T h e H o r r o r T h a t W a s... J u l y 2 0 0 3

At the theatre:

THE LEAGUE OF EXTRADORINARY GENTLEMEN
Dir: Stephen Norrington
Starring: Sean Connery, Stuart Townshed, Peta Wilson.

First, this isn't a horror movie. There, I felt like I had to say that right at the beginning. However, it has in it some of the most iconic figures of horror so I felt a review of it here would not be too out of line. Besides, July was a pretty dry month for horror at the theater.

Now, plenty of other critics have already lambasted this movie and I'm not about to jump on that bandwagon... mostly because I don't think this movie was all that bad. I have read many reviews that had as their number one complaint that the story was too confusing. To that, all I can say is; I guess they never read the Alan Moore comics the movie was based off of. Compared to the comics the film was as easy as 1, 2, 3. It looks like 20+ years of Hollywood's horrible affliction of dumbingdownitus has had an irreversible effect on a large portion of the movie going public. It seems that even professional critics were not immune to this epidemic.

As for my thoughts on LEAGUE, first let me say that I'm a huge fan of the comics, but even with that in mind I really tried appreciating this movie on its own merits and flaws and I think I was successful. I can say this because, by and large, the movie has very little in common with the comics and yet I didn't come away complaining about that. No, dear reader, what complaints I have about this film all rest on the filmmaker's shoulders alone.

The movie begins like the comics insofar as a group of legends from Victorian literature are assembled by the British government to save the world from an insane criminal mastermind. Famous adventurer/big game hunter Alan Quartermain (Sean Connery) leads this group whereas in the comics that role fell to Miss Mina Murray (the object of Dracula's undead affection in the classic novel). However, fear not members of N.O.W., while they stripped the young lady of her leadership position they gave here a more-than-man-sized boost in power. Think of Blade (Wesley Snipes half-vampire bad ass) as a hot chick with metamorphic powers and control over bats and you get the general idea. Gee, could you guess that the director of this film is the same guy who directed BLADE?

Anyway, the rest of the league includes Captain Nemo, the Invisible Man and Dr. Jekyll and his horribly computer animated alter ego, Mr. Hyde. This was the original five "gentlemen" as found in the comics, but for some inexplicable reason two other characters are added to the league. Dorian Gray (played with much panache by Stuart Townshed) is a nice touch, but a grown Tom Sawyer is definitely not a suitable match to the rest of this ensemble of shady characters. I can only assume that these two characters were added to help us simpleminded Americans understand the oh-so-confusing British-ness of the story. You know, considering how many critics here in the States still didn't "get it" I guess the filmmakers might have been right about that.

As said, the heroes assemble to stop a madman who wants to start something called a "world war." To halt these dastardly plans the League has to traverse the globe and overcome many challenges, or at least the same challenge (lots of machinegun-toting, ineffectual, disposable henchmen) many times. There are some twists in this tale but nothing you haven't seen several times before. In the end, the good guys win (gee, hope I didn't ruin that for you) and the obligatory opening for a sequel is firmly implemented ruining an otherwise good (and for fans of the comics; somewhat surprising) ending the film could have had.

And that, honestly, is about it. The story in the comics is not the same one in the film. The wonderful shadiness, and downright evil in some cases, of the main characters that I alluded to is also gone to make it more palatable for PG-13 audiences. The great plot twists, cameos of other Victorian icons, and superb pulpy feel to the story of the comics, with its over-the-top climax, is replaced with a sad rip off of any number of James Bond films. But hey, didn't I say I would rate this film on its own merits? Okay, here we go.

Things that worked in the film: LEAGUE is a mildly enjoyable popcorn-muncher of a movie. It's got globe-spanning locations, some neat action scenes, some cool special effects and the acting was pretty good. Hmm, I think that's about it...

Things that didn't work in the film: the story sort of meanders about and never really feels adventurous. The characters never really get fleshed out with the exception of Quartermain and that's only because Connery's playing him. Most of the special effects are not that good with the huge-armed Edward Hyde (and the Hyde Mark II) looking the worst. I won't even go into the glaring gaps of logic when it comes to real world matters like huge aircraft carrier sized submarines and the canals of Venice. After all, this film has invisible men and vampire ladies in it, so I guess anything goes.

Final assessment: in a 1 to 10 scale, I give THE LEAGUE OF EXTRADORINARY GENTLEMEN a not too bad but not too extraordinary 5.

Pertains to CoC: well, how about its set in Call of Cthulhu's most ignored official setting; the Gaslight era. While there are many fanciful elements to the story, the settings are wonderfully Victorian or at least Victorian-lite, so the film could serve as a quick primer to Keepers' not well versed in that part of history. If that wasn't enough the film's a virtual who's who of Victorian horror. Who says CoC has got to be all slimy tentacles and nameless things? A nice invisible killer or an amoral and utterly indestructible hedonist would be a nice addition to any game.

On DVD & Video.

FINAL DESTINATION 2
Dir: David R. Ellis
Starring: Ali Larter, A.J. Cook, Michael Landes

I liked this sequel better then the first movie and I don't know why. Maybe because it has one of the most oxymoronic titles in movie history? So, it's the second final destination? Maybe it was just better acted, better filmed, better directed...I don't know. It could not have been better written because it is essentially the exact same movie but something about it just made me like it more then the first FINAL DESTINATION. Truly, I am confused, but let's just carry on with the review.

The movie starts off with a group of people avoiding certain grisly death because someone had a premonition of their demise. What follows is a truly spectacular freeway accident that I do give the film high marks for. If it was a real accident it would have to enter the history books as the single most amazingly destructive and complex auto accident in history. So no, it's not really realistic but it sure is fun to watch.

Next comes the obligatory scene where the girl who had the Vision O' Doom tells everyone she just saved about her premonition, and no one believes her. Now that could be realistic, but this is the exact same city where the last movie was set only a year or two ago and the events of that movie are well known by most of the characters in this film as it's brought up in discussion quite a lot. So I don't know.... I'm not a big believer in the Psychic Friends Network, but if I was one of those people...

Well, soon the people saved form horrible death are all believers because they aren't all that saved any more. One by one Death comes for them in some incredibly elaborate Rube Goldberg-like death scenes. I guess a simple heart attack wouldn't be fun enough for the "Grim???" Reaper. However, I do have to say that this foolishness of overly grandiose deaths has been turned down a bit from the first film and maybe that's one of the reasons I like the sequel better. It's nice that not every death in this movie is like a death match version of the Mouse Trap game. Another thing I like about the death scenes is that they are brutal and graphic. If your whole movie is about interesting ways people die and very little else, you might at least go all out and FINAL DESTINATION 2 does just that.

Now, just like in the first film, there's a pattern to Death's design that the chosen damned must figure out in order to have any chance of survival. Not only that, but this time there's a reason for all this happening, a reason directly related to the first film and thus a reason to bring the beautiful Ali Larter back into the story and that is always a good thing in my book. Also returning is Tony Todd (of CANDY MAN fame) to reprise this minuscule and needless role as the Grim...undertaker? Oh well, he gets to spout out more cryptic and spooky pearls of wisdom that just happen to shed some light on the plight of the rapidly dwindling survivors.

When the end of the movie comes, the people you thought were going to make it most likely did. They managed to solve Death's puzzle and live to tell the tale...or did they? While I won't give specifics away I've got to ask; in this day and age where almost all genre films like this feel the need to include a "surprise" ending as coda for the possibility of future sequels, is anyone ever really surprised? God, I hope not.

Things that worked in the film: the deaths and that's good since that's what this movie is all about. While there are still some way-too-complex kills, many are not and almost all of the deaths are bloody, vicious and entertaining...if you like that kind of thing. Not only that, but there are actually a few neat surprises in the movie, just not the one at the end. Oh, and did I mention the awesome freeway accident? I really dug it.

Things that didn't work in the film: there's very little story here as everything is just an excuse for watching Death get creative with offing people. Also, with the exception of one or two characters, there is almost no character development. Slasher films take a lot of heat for introducing characters just so the masked psycho can kill them, well this movie does that to, only without the neat looking mask.

Final assessment: I give FINAL DESTINATION 2 a very surprising and very final 6 out of 10.

Pertains to CoC: not much, really, unless you wanted to rip of some new and unbelievable ways to kill off your PC's. I guess you could play around with the idea of a hole in the grand design of things, but that might be really hard to pull off well. Hell, the makers of these films has had two chances and millions of dollars to get it right and still fell kind of short.

MAY
Dir: Lucky McKee
Starring: Angela Bettis, Jeremy Sisto, Anna Faris

First, just like this month's first review, let me start by saying that MAY is not a horror movie and I don't care what the poster, DVD case, or director says! You see, MAY is being marketed as a horror movie but it is not; at least, it's not to me and since this is my little soapbox that's all that matters, so there.

I guess I should explain: 90% of MAY is not horrifying or scary in the least. It's true that in the last 10% of the film there's quite a bit of blood as the fragile strings of sanity holding May together finally snap but does a one tenth scoop of horror added to an already simmering pot turn the whole thing into a fright fest? There are many more comedic and dramatic elements to this film then horrific so why isn't it being marketed as a drama or comedy? I guess a little bit of blood (okay, quite a lot of blood) at the end of this film automatically classifies it as a horror film.

May (Angela Bettis who was Carrie in the recent made for TV remake of the Stephen King classic) is a young girl with a very lazy eye and a mountain of insecurities most of which were heaped upon her by her bitch of a mother. Yet, mom wasn't all that bad as she gave May an ugly handmade china doll in a glass case (that May was never allowed to open) as her best friend instead of encouraging her daughter to make real friends. Nice. So, when we next see May as an adult is it any wonder that she is a painfully shy introvert with no friends save her creepy glass-encased doll?

However May is creative. She makes her own clothes and she always sees the best in people. Well, more specifically, the best parts of people. She falls in love with a young mechanic (Jeremy Sisto recent of WRONG TURN) because he has beautiful hands. She likes here coworker's (Anna Faris of SCARY MOVIE fame) neck and her friend's legs. Right before May's great idea at the end of the film she says the line; "So many pretty parts, no pretty wholes." So, with her flair for creativity, her total lack of friends and her keen eye for spotting people's pretty parts, what's a lonely, delusional, semi-psychotic girl to do?

Gee, I hope I'm not giving away too much...but I don't think I am. If you have heard of MAY at all before reading this then I'm almost positive that it must have been that same old tired; "she's a female Frankenstein" thing that's been going around. Well, just for the record, forget all that. While May might have some allusions to that infamous doctor, the movie is so much more. Trust me, I went into this flick not expecting much and was totally surprised with how much I liked it. MAY reminded me of another hard to pigeonhole film called DONNIE DARKO. Both films were very well written, tightly directed, superbly acted and have just a bit of "other worldliness" floating around their outer edges. In addition, MAY has wonderful symbolism throughout its story. Hmm, whatever could the continually cracking glass case around May's little dolly friend represent?

In closing, again I must say that MAY is not a horror film and I really can't say that enough. If you want to see a horror movie, one that tries to scare you throughout the entire film and not just the last 15 minuets, than stay away from MAY as you will be disappointed. However, if you want to see an excellent movie that just happens to have a bit of the old ultraviolence in its conclusion as well as the faintest touch of the supernatural, then MAY is for you.

Things that worked in the film: acting, directing, writing, and something most "horror" films forget about, character depth and development. I also loved May's transformation towards the film's climax.

Things that didn't work in the film: well, it's not really scary. While it is a good movie, it's just not a horror movie.

Final assessment: I give MAY a very accepting and understanding 8 out of 10.

Pertains to CoC: character development. Come on, if you can't take some quirks from May's "friends" (or hell, how about May herself?) and transplant them into your games to spice up your listless NPC's then you must have been asleep during this film. Not only that, MAY can serve as a quick but wonderful guide to complete mental breakdowns of the most violent nature.

© Brian Sammons