T h e H o r r o r T h a t W a s... A u g u s t 2 0 0 3

At the theatre:

FREDDY VS. JASON
Dir: Ronny Yu
Starring: Robert Englund, Ken Kirzinger, Kelly Rowland

Okay, the FRIDAY THE 13TH and NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET films are to horror what POLICE ACADAMY 5 is to comedy. That is, none of them really even try to be what they are constantly classified as. Come on, when was the last time anyone was scared, and I mean truly scared and not just startled by a cheep shock gag, at a FRIDAY THE 13TH film? As for the NIGHTMARE series, I'll give you the first one, it could be pretty scary at times, but after that, Freddy became the Henny Youngman of horror; more interested in delivering one-liners then frightening anyone. So, if you go to see FREDDY VS. JASON expecting a horror movie in any sense of the word "horror," I just got to ask you: "What the hell are you thinking?"

Now, while these two tired franchises from the 80's are about as scary as an angry looking sock puppet, people who consider themselves horror fans do truly love these films. Maybe because those people grew up with Jason and Freddy? Maybe because they just like to see a good, bloody killing every once and awhile? Whatever the case may be, these films have produced a legion of die hard fans that love them despite how silly they get (Jason in space, anyone?) and God help me, I love them too. I can't tell you why I love these flicks so much and if I think too long and hard about it I usually get embarrassed and stop pondering over it. Call them my guilty pleasure if you will, but whatever the case may be, when I heard that this long rumored film was finally coming out...well let's just say I was one happy fan boy for days afterward.

And to truly appreciate this film you have got to be a fan of Freddy and/or Jason. If you're not, chances are you won't see this movie (and I can't blame you) and the film makers know this and so this is a good thing. What director Ronny Yu did was make the ultimate fan film. Okay, JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK was the ultimate fan film, but this one comes in at a close second. Yes, the story is just an excuse to get to the big throw-down between these two titans of terror, but that's okay, stories and plots were never the strong points in any of these films. What Yu, the cast, and everyone involved in this movie did so right was pander to the rabid fan base and it worked. Boy, did it work.

First, there's the return of gratuitous nudity, and after the skin-free SCREAM years, that's a nice return to form. There's also the very bloody and creative murder scenes that will have any gore-hound standing up to cheer. Again, after the relatively bloodless slew of quasi-slashers that came out in the late 90's its nice to once again see some guy get bisected with a single swipe of a machete. Next comes the cliché characters, and this is one of the only movies that I'll let get away with stocking such paper thin archetypes as the characters, because the FRIDAY and NIGHTMARE movies created the clichés that other movies now drive into the ground.

Then there are the two titular characters their-own-bad-selves. Again, this movie is right on the money when handling both of them. Each is used to his maximum effect so that they represent different sides of an evil coin and neither really steps on the other's toes. Jason is the unstoppable force of destruction, able to withstand any punishment and is so single minded that he'll kill you even while he gets electrocuted. He also gets to do the lion's share of killing in this film. This is done for the sake of the story (yes, this movie does have one, however thin) and to give him something to do as Freddy gets to say all the lines. As for the Fredster, it's nice to see him as such an evil bastard. He defiantly corners the market on being bad, so much so that the huge undead killing machine that is Jason often looks like the lesser of two evils.

Now naturally there's going to be some liberties taken with these characters in order to have this dream showdown come true. I'm sure the most rabid of fans will be able to point out inconsistencies with the backgrounds or nature of each uber-villain and this will start raging flamewars on countless horror related webpages. To those folks all I can say is: shut up, sit down, and be happy that this movie came out at all.

Oh, and if you are wondering about the story, here it is. None of the kids on Elm Street remember Freddy anymore so he can't get to them in their dreams and feed on their fear. Fred doesn't like this so he tricks Jason into coming back from the dead for the thousandth time and sends him to wreak bloody havoc on Elm Street (who knew that Crystal Lake and Elm Street were so close). Unfortunately, once Jason gets going he doesn't want to stop the killing and he starts stealing Freddy's fun. Fred ain't going to sit sill for this so bing, bang, boom, we get the fight of the century. Now there's (not much) more to it then that but like I said, the story is all an excuse to see two of the original anti-heroes go head to head in a knockdown, drag-out, slobber-knocker of a brawl. Oh, and to see gory and funny (for sick folks like me) murders; unnecessary T and A shots; and to hear great lines like: "Dude, that goalie was pissed about something." What more could a fan of these series want?

Things that worked in the film: everything that was supposed to. The violence, sex and obligatory drug and alcohol use was well represented and both main characters hit their stride early and were able to hold it for the length of the film. Not even the film debut of a pop star could ruin this movie and that's saying something.

Things that didn't work in the film: again, this movie is about as frightening as the GHOSTBUSTERS cartoon, but who cares?

Final assessment: I give FREDDY VS. JASON a 10 out of 10 if you are a fan. If you're not a fan, why are you still reading this?

Pertains to CoC: you're joking, right?

JEEPERS CREEPERS 2
Dir: Victor Salva
Starring: Ray Wise, Jonathan Breck, Travis Schiffner

This kind of movie is the hardest to review. It wasn't great, but it wasn't awful. In fact, it is one of those films you watch and can't feel anything for it one way or the other. Not once did I think of just getting up to leave in the middle of it, but if the film had suddenly snapped in the projector and I never saw the movie's end, I couldn't have cared less either.

First things first, yes the director is a convicted child molester who did a trivial amount of jail time for his crime, but I won't go into that here as many other reviewers have already covered that. That's also a bit hypocritical in my book, considering that another child rapist just won the Oscar for best director...but again, I'll not get into that. Nor will I go into all the homoerotic imagery that seemed abundant, and down right forced, in this film. Again, far too many other critics have pointed this out and as I'm above all that, we'll just move on. Moving on...moving on...

The original JEEPERS CREEPERS at least had mystery going for it when you first saw it. The movie began as an homage to DULE, turned into a weird play on THE HITCHER and later became a full fledge monster movie as the Creeper was revealed, bit by bit, to not be human. Love or hate the first film, at least it gets some points for execution of the revelation and keeping the mystery alive for as long as possible. Unfortunately, the sequel to that film can't do any of it since everyone already knows...well, not exactly what the Creeper is, but at least that he's an undying winged demon thing with a taste for humans. So rather then trying to force a hackneyed mystery down the throat of an audience who would already know that the Creeper isn't *gasp* human, Victor Silva begins the movie with a slam bam Creeper moment that shows at the start just how inhuman the guy is and how downright evil. One thing about the Creeper, unlike other horror movie monsters, this guy doesn't shy away from hurting kids...gee, I wonder where he got that idea from? Moving on...moving on...

Next comes a bus full of high school football players and cheerleaders...well, at least three cheerleaders. Despite just winning the championship game all they have is three cheerleaders? Wow, some school spirit. Oh, and naturally it is way too obvious which of these characters you are supposed to like and which you are supposed not to; so again, no surprised there. One of the girls starts getting weird dreams from some of the Creeper's previous victims in a heavy handed and nonsensical way to deliver exposition to the soon to be doomed. In no time at all the Creeper is hurling homemade Chinese stars made out of bits of people into the tires of the bus to disable it. And here is where I've got to give the Creeper some credit, he must have taken a shop class or two somewhere because he sure is creative. Remember his people quilt from the first movie? Anyway, once the bus is stopped and all the parental figures are done away with (didn't see that coming did you?) the movie turns into what you always knew it would become from watching the previews, a bunch of young people trapped on a bus (because, once you flatten a vehicle's tires it's as good as dead) with a nasty gargoyle guy outside taking his sweet time messing with them despite the fact that this is the last night he has to eat before going to sleep for 23 years.

There are some neat moments in this film that I won't ruin by going into here, unfortunately there are many more boring moments and some moments that are just so unbelievable that your suspension of disbelief is stretched to the breaking point even in a movie about a gargoyle in cowboy duds. The characters are never truly believable but neither are they really bad. The Creeper can be creepy at times, and down right dumb and laughable at others. Perhaps the best thing going for this movie is the ending that takes place 23 years later. While the world looks remarkably the same for being 23 years in the future, at least this film ends on not a too overly clichéd note. Considering horror movies made today (like the one reviewed below) that's saying a lot.

Things that worked in the film: the Creeper looked cool for the most part, there were some neat surprises with the FX and the acting wasn't horrible. And again, I got to say I actually liked the film's epilogue at the end.

Things that didn't work in the film: it just wasn't very scary or exciting or fun. It's a plodding, no thrills dependable workhorse of a movie and nothing more. Also, I thought the Captain Ahab bit (you'll know it when you see it) was a bit much.

Final assessment: I give JEEPERS CREEPERS 2 a not very creepy and not very...er...jeepy (okay, that was a stretch) 5 out of 10.

Pertains to CoC: well the movie does have an ageless, unkillable, thing in it that is mysterious (who or what is it and where did it come from?) has strange technology (what's with his self-flying knife thingy?) and is only active for short periods of time when the Stars Are Right (i.e. 23 days for every 23 years it sleeps.) so a Mythos connection is more plausible then one might first think. Failing that, watch this movie and just replace the Creeper with a pissed off Byakhee and you have a quick one-shot CoC adventure ready to go.

On DVD & Video.

HOUSE OF A 1000 CORPSES
Dir: Rob Zombie
Starring: Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, Karen Black

Wow, where to begin with this one? Well, how about this: a far better movie critic then I (Roger Ebert) once wrote a book called I HATED, HATED, HATED THIS MOVIE. The movie in question for him was the Rob Reiner flop; NORTH. For me, that movie would be HOUSE OF A 1000 CORPSES. The strange thing is that, in theory, I should have loved this movie. I like Rob Zombie, not only his music but from what I've seen of him in interviews and the like I think he's a pretty straight-talking, okay guy. I like slasher movies...well, at least some of them. I like 70's horror movies (again, some of them). I loved Bill Mosley as Chop Top in TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACARE 2 but couldn't stand him in an almost similar roll here as Otis. Again, all the signs pointed to me loving this movie and I really wanted to, but man, I just couldn't. And as sad as it is, I blame Mr. Zombie for it.

As writer, director, chief music guy and all around publicity whore for this film, this movie is 100% Rob Zombie and it shows. In fact, if you have ever seen a White Zombie or Rob Zombie music video then you have a pretty good idea what this film is like. Rob cut his directorial teeth on music videos (just like so many other really poor directors) and like music videos, HOUSE is all style, no substance. Zombie's music videos will have strange snip-its from old movies and obscure sound bites that mean nothing and come totally out of left field, same goes for his movie. His videos will often have an intentionally scratchy or blurry look to them, as if the film has been stepped on repeatedly by a fat guy in cleats and the cameraman has got glaucoma, same goes for his movie. In Rob's videos he loves to throw in psychedelic colors and he abuses the hell out of the camera's positive/negative switch, ditto in spades for the film. I tell you, HOUSE is an 88 minute Rob Zombie music video without the somewhat decent, grooving song to get down to. What's the point of that?

The story, if you can call it that, revolves around the atypical four sacrificial young people (I guess they might have been trying to pass for teens, but I swear at least one of them looked to be in his mid-thirties) driving through a desolate countryside and running across some truly weird country folk. Sid Haig turns in one of the few performances in the movie that I liked as Captain Spalding, the owner of a gas station/fried chicken joint/weird museum of horrors. This is where the four friends learn about the local psycho of legend with the ridiculous moniker of Doctor Satan. Naturally, the "kids" have nothing better to do then drive through the middle of nowhere in a torrential rainstorm looking for the tree Dr. Satan was supposedly hung on. Before you know it they run afoul of the Firefly family, a collection of nuts who live in the titular house, although you never actually see 1000 corpses in it. What comes next is Rob Zombie doing the equivalent of creatively masturbating over how weird and shocking he can be, but I tell you, when it comes to that the ol' Zombie man must have been out of Viagra. There's nothing original here; it's all been done before, and much better, in countless movies that range from THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (the most obviously ripped off influence), to THE HILLS HAVE EYES, NATURAL BORN KILLERS, and the list goes on and on and on.

Back to the "story": the family of psychos play with their captives for awhile, killing a few, then tossing the rest down a well where they are assaulted by zombies, mush-eating mental patients and meatball-headed, cyborg mutants with asthma...no, I'm not making this up. I'll say this about Zombie, while not terribly original he did try his best to throw in every cliché from every genre movie ever made as a way to make up for his shortcomings. He even included one of the most lame, obvious and unintentionally funny endings in movie history. So let me get this straight, Otis was just waiting in the back of a car all day, lying on the floor, just incase he and his buddy ran across someone they already thought was dead? Uhm...sure. Gee, I hope I didn't give anything away but come on, was anyone surprised by this? Endings like this just insult an audience...but after 88 minutes of this drivel, I guess Rob Zombie thought one more moronic moment added to the heap wouldn't hurt no one.

Gee, I hope I'm not giving away too much...but I don't think I am. If you have heard of MAY at all before reading this then I'm almost positive that it must have been that same old tired; "she's a female Frankenstein" thing that's been going around. Well, just for the record, forget all that. While May might have some allusions to that infamous doctor, the movie is so much more. Trust me, I went into this flick not expecting much and was totally surprised with how much I liked it. MAY reminded me of another hard to pigeonhole film called DONNIE DARKO. Both films were very well written, tightly directed, superbly acted and have just a bit of "other worldliness" floating around their outer edges. In addition, MAY has wonderful symbolism throughout its story. Hmm, whatever could the continually cracking glass case around May's little dolly friend represent?

One last thing about HOUSE, talk about being over-hyped. Zombie went on and on how this movie was going to be the most frightening and bloody thing ever. He practically rejoiced in his infamy when two big movie companies dropped this film one after the other. Not because the movie was a steaming cowflop, oh no, it was just too intense for those corporate stuffed shirts to take, at least, that's how Zombie spun it. Odd that when it finally came out by a much smaller company that would have let Rob Zombie get away with almost anything, the final film was neither frightening nor particularly bloody. When will movie makers lean that saying "This movie will scare the hell out of you." is never a good thing? It's like throwing down the gauntlet to horror fans and more often then not, the filmmaker looses this challenge. Remember Stephen King's directorial debut with MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE when he said similar things about that film? I rest my case.

Things that worked in the film: uhm...give me a moment...just wait, I know there must be something I liked about this movie...uhm...uhm...nope, can't think of anything, sorry. Oh wait, Sid Haig, I did like him. There, I knew there was something.

Things that didn't work in the film: that list would be far, far too long to include here, so how about a nice: "Damn near everything."

Final assessment: I give HOUSE OF A 1000 CORPSES a 1 out of 10. If I could go into negative numbers for this rating I would.

Pertains to CoC: again I must say; you're joking, right? I guess if you wanted to add meatball-headed, cyborg mutants with asthma to your Call of Cthulhu game then this would be the movie for you.

© Brian Sammons